Boxing is like playing underwater chess in a swimming pool filled with sharks. You have to keep moving, it’s hard to concentrate, and you feel like you just can’t get enough air.

But I love it anyway, and whenever someone asks me why I can’t take up a more reasonable sport I ask them what sport in particular they have in mind. Then I rebut their choice with the witty, ascerbic, and completely helpful explanations below. After you read this you too will be compelled to take up boxing immediately and I hereby grant you unrestricted use of the following miscellanea.

1. Gymnastics In boxing, you don’t have to wear goofy leotards, it’s okay to be tall, and you never have to kiss Béla Károlyi. I’m sorry, but I’ll never never never take up a sport that involves the wearing of a leotard. Really, who invented this outfit?

2. Football Boxing does real black eyes rather than black eye makeup, and there’s far less butt-patting. Plus it feels great to us boxers when someone pours a cooler full of ice water on our heads.

3. Hockey Not enough fighting.

4. Soccer Soccer is just not so much fun on a Wii. Boxing, now that’s fun on a Wii. Funny to watch others Wii-boxing too.

5-6. Golf & Tennis Be vewwy, vewwy quiet! Or else these athletes simply can’t perform. Puh-leese, grow some, wouldja? Oh, and a Related News Flash: real fans wanna get rowdy. I say we let ‘em.

1. Stamp Collecting I’d rather be called a pugilist than a philatelist. Staying after class for Philately Club sounds like a surefire way to get your ass kicked.

2. Baseball There is no right field in boxing, thank God.

3. Gator Wrassling I am sooooo not wading through some swamp up to my armpits in smelly stagnant water. Leeches! Ew.

4. Cheerleading The pay in cheerleading is abysmal. Oh, wait, that’s true for boxing too. Never mind.

5. Beach Volleyball Sand in body crevices! Nuff said.

6. Knitting There are no sharp needles in boxing. You could poke your eye out with one of those.

Next in this series will be a post listing sports and hobbies that are better than boxing. I do hope you will contribute your scintillating, droll, sarcastic, and witty suggestions/observations in the comments!

Image by sukanto_debnath

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