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BFF: Best Friends Forever or Best Frenemies Forever?

posted by ChickSpeak
Thursday, June 24, 2010 at 2:11pm EDT

Best friendship is usually formed on common interests, and best friends Betty and Veronica (of the classic Archie Comic series) are no exception. They had one very similar interest - Archie Andrews - and spent their friendship fighting over him, constantly trying to out-do one another and win his heart.

Their relationship confused me to no end growing up, and the weird love triangle they were so complacent with worked only worked because they lived in a fictional world in which they have spent the last 50-plus years in the same grade, in the same town, and at the same age. Feminism aside (we can save that conversation for another day), how is it that so-called best friends could agree to always disagree about something that left them fighting half of the time? If this were Sex and the City, they would have dumped the guy, gone out for cocktails, and toasted to never letting a man come between them.

Lately I’ve been getting the feeling that one of my close friends (let’s call her Kate) might be a frenemy in disguise. It seems like every time we talk about something - going to the gym, who we had dinner with, what we ate, sleep, homework, etc - we always try to out do the other. Whenever a guy friend’s around, we always compete for his attention. When we would get back from class at the end of the day, we would try to outdo one another until we were both satisfied with the results. It wasn’t that we were outwardly backstabbing or gossiping or trying to sabotage each other, and I don’t even think we realized what we were doing most of the time. But that doesn’t mean it was healthy either.

Jill Zarin and Bethenny Frankel (from the “Real Housewives of New York City”) had their fair share of drama this season. Formerly besties, they had a lot of miscommunications mixed with misunderstandings and a lot of fighting (it wouldn’t be Bravo without drama), and they started this season not having talked to each other, but talking plenty about one another. Jill says they she removed herself from the situation because there was “a lot of toxicity, and she just can’t have that in her life.” And although the Real Housewives is really nothing like real life, she has the right idea.

If you have a friend who’s not doing what a friend should - loving unconditionally, being loyal and honest, and there for you - reevaluate the situation. First of all, ask yourself if you’ve been the best friend that you could have been. Maybe there’s something that’s going on with her, and it could be something she’s not really sharing - which means it’s your duty as a friend to be there for her. Is her stress stressing you out? Then talk to her - but approach it from a “I’m worried about you because I’ve noticed you don’t seem to be yourself lately.” Don’t let her go easily - sometimes people take a little prodding to start talking (and don’t be alarmed if she starts to cry, sometimes shedding a few tears helps enormously to relieve stress). And, whatever you do, please don’t tell her to “stop being stressed because it’s stressing you out” (that’s happened to me before, and it came from my best friends. Trust me, it hurts, and it does not help).

If you’re in what Jill Zarin dubbed a “toxic relationship,” the best thing to do might be to get out of it. But don’t do it in an underhanded or confrontational way. Whatever the situation you’re in, you want to deal with it in the most diplomatic and kind way, because you don’t want to be seen as mean or rude. Address the problem with your friend - especially if you’ve known each other for a while, because you at least owe them that.

Don’t accuse them of anything, but just tell them how you feel (that’s a key word; no one can argue with feelings) and explain that you need some time or space. I hate confrontation, and sometimes it might be easier to send them an email (where you can calmly and coolly collect and explain your thoughts), explaining the situation. Don’t send it as a text, and do offer to talk in person. More often than not, they’ll honor your wishes. And you never know, sometimes a little separation is all you need (a summer apart from the friends I was “stressing out” might do us a lot of good), and you can go back to (almost) normal.

On the other hand, if it’s an acquaintance thats treating you badly, the best thing to do might be to ignore it. If you know things about them other than what’s on their Facebook profile - because they’ve told you, not because someone else told you, they’re probably a friend, and you at least owe it to them - and to yourself - to address the situation properly. But let’s face it, chicks: we’re all super busy (because we’re so fabulous), and sometimes things aren’t worth the trouble. Maxine Frendel, a fellow ChickSpeak writer, told me about one such situation: “I had someone like that who was in my friends’ circles and always was just so rude and fake to me, but everyone else thought she was nice. She was really looking for attention and drama and singled me out. By not giving her the attention, she stopped.”

So how do you figure out what to do? It’s never easy to know what the right thing to do in a situation is, and it can help to talk about it. But choose a couple good friends who you know won’t blab about it, or even talk to someone who doesn’t run in the same circle of friends. Ultimately, though, do what feels right to you, and it will work out in the end. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it’s hard to see the reason right away, but trust me, there’s always one there. It might just be waiting in the wings.

Daniella Gafen will be a junior at Washington University in St. Louis in the fall, but is spending her summer interning, RA-ing, and feeling pretty grown up. At the same time, however, it seems like just yesterday that she 10 years old and was pouring through Archie Comic Books like it was her job.