Women's Media Nation | Social, political, and cultural issues relating to women

Recognizing and understanding relationship abuse

posted by ChickSpeak
Friday, July 9, 2010 at 6:21pm CDT

Chris Brown took to the stage on June 27 at the BET Awards, belting out classic Michael Jackson tunes coupled with his signature dance moves in a tribute to the deceased King of Pop. His rendition of MJ’s moonwalk wasn’t the only unforgettable moment of the night-Brown broke down in tears while performing “Man in the Mirror,” a song about self-identity and overcoming obstacles. His poignant performance harked on his conflicts over the past year-his very public beating of pop star and girlfriend, Rihanna resulting in a public image that is equally as battered. The audience seemingly forgave Brown on some level, offering a standing ovation to the fallen R&B sensation. Viewers split on the authenticity of the tears; fans praised his openness, while critics wrote the routine off as a publicity stunt. Over the past year, fans have followed Brown’s development after publicly declaring himself a broken man. When can we forgive him? Moreover, when can any girl forgive a guy for such an act?

Should she?

Both recognizing and understanding relationship abuse is a feat within itself. Simply put, it is a pattern of abusive behavior meant to control an intimate partner through emotional, psychological, sexual, or physical means. Often emotional abuse is harder to recognize because the effects are not visible and may be easier for outsiders (friends, family) to see. Threats, intimidation, and isolation are among the types of abuse that partners use to manipulate their significant other.

Effects of this behavior are devastating, taking a deep toll on the partner whom is abused. Such people may experience clinical depression, denial, chemical dependency, codependency, and suicidal attempts. The partner may remain loyal to his or her abuser due to low self-esteem, denial that abuse is even occurring, or because he or she believes the abuse is truly what he or she deserves. A person who is convinced of their self-failure ultimately fears loneliness. A Liz Claiborne, Inc. study conducted by Teenage Research Unlimited in February 2005 found that while 73% of teens said they would turn to a friend or family member for help if they were in an abusive relationship, only 33% who have actually been in or known about an abusive relationship said they have told anyone about it.

In a study by Suzanne Leaman and Christina B. Gee of George Washington University, significant correlations were found between anxiety and intimate partner violence (IPV), anxiety and depression, depression and IPV among young adults. It is easier for younger people to overlook the warning signs of abuse because they are less experienced in relationships than their adult counterparts, or they misinterpret the actions as ones of love. Another eye-opening, but plausible explanation for why abuse continues: developmental theory suggests that girls form their identities through relationships while boys form their identities through their independence from others, which could indicate that abusive relationships have a greater impact on a girl’s esteem.

Recovery on both parts, the abuser and the abused partner, is a long and painful process. If your partner refuses to seek treatment, remove yourself from the situation by finding a shelter or moving in with friends or family. Severing all ties is necessary, or the abuser may try to convince you to return to the harmful situation (hence Brown was ordered not to contact Rihanna for the next five years).

“Never a failure. Always a lesson.” These words string below Rihanna’s collarbone, a permanent sign of the abuse she endured. The couple’s story is both common and not: many young women experience abuse (one in three women experiences at least one physical assault by their partner during adulthood), but the spotlight on the couple feigns recovery. Brown has spoken on talk shows about his inability to control his temper, the outer-body experience he had during the beating. MTV’S Sway Calloway told MTV how Brown has been speaking in circles with people who have been victimized by domestic violence, and other sources claim that he wants to be a “better person” before he gets involved in another relationship.

Perhaps Chris Brown has “recovered.” There is no doubt that he has disposable income to spend on therapists, lawyers, publicists, and others devoted to returning him to a healthy state of mind. The majority of Americans do not have such luxury: troubled men (and women) cannot afford life coaches, anger management, or psychiatrists to help them battle the root cause of their abusive behavior.

Celebrity or not, abuse and subsequent recovery are complicated, painful, and is easier said than done. Recognize the “red flags” and act on them, whether you are in an abusive relationship or know someone that is.

For additional information and resources on abusive relationships, please visit:

Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness: http://www.stoprelationshipabuse.org/

YWCA Sexual Assault Center near you: http://www.ywca.org/

Molly Hess attends Franklin and Marshall College. She is a Women’s and Gender Studies minor. A huge fan of the Rihanna-Chris Brown power couple, she was shocked to see it end in such a devastating way and hopes that both parties make a steady recovery.